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02:08 pm
[Link] |
jimmy eat world - kill
well your just across the street
looks a mile to my feet
i wanna go to you
funny how i'm nervous still
i've always been the easy kill
guess i always will
could it be that everything goes round by chance
or only one way there was always meant to be
you kill me
you always know the perfect thing to say
i know what i should do
but i just can't walk away
i can picture your face well
from the bar in my hotel
i wish i could leave you
i pick up put down the phone
like your favorite heatmeiser song goes
its just like being alone
oh god please don't tell me this has been in vain
i need answers for what all the waiting after means
you kill me
you've got some nerve but can't face your mistakes
hey hey
i know what i should do but i just can't turn away
so go on love
leave while there still hope for escape
gotta take what you can these days
theres so much ahead, so much regret
i know what you wanna say
i know it but can't help feeling differently
i loved you and i should have said it
but tell me just what has it ever meant
i can't help it baby this is who i am
sorry but i can't just go turn off how i feel
you kill me
you build me up but just to whatch me break
i know what i should do but i just can't walk away
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10:59 am
[Link] | somewhere there is a girl, who doesn't even realize what yesterday was, and gets to live her life as if nothing was ripped away from her.
Current Mood:  cranky
Current Music: jimmy eat world - kill
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02:17 am
[Link] | well its officially my 26th bday. i feel freakin old.
and today i took a different route on the metro and passed national airport. how easy would it be to just hop on a plane and leave. wish i could.
Current Mood:  depressed
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02:17 pm
[Link] |
bringing back the past
now that its 3 days from my 26th bday i think i really need to tap into all that teenage angst crap the use to get me thru the day. all the music that i listened to and would sing and write all the lyrics out on paper,just cuz i related to it and it made me feel better. so if i post alot of shitty poetry and random music lyrics, deal.
first choice - the exies - tired of you
where did i go wrong
i can't look you in the eye
feeling so ashamed
it feels like i could die
hold me up, don't let go
i've had enough
i'm tired of breathing
tired of feeling
tired of looking at the past for meaning
tired of running
tired of searching
tired of trying
but i'm not tired of you
losing eeverything
it's something i can't face
hope is one the run
its something i can't fake
hold me up, don't let go
i've had enough
tired of breathing
tired of looking at the past for meaning
tired or running
tired of searching
tired of trying
but i'm not tired of you
i wanna feel a change
i don't mind if it hurts
you take away the pain
your the only thing thats pure
i'm tired of breathing
tired of feeling
tired of looking at the past for meaning
tired of running
tired of searching
tired of trying
but i'm not tired of you
(repeat)
its sounds alot better then it looks written. heh
anyways GO EAGLES!!!!!
peace
Current Mood: numb
Current Music: give you 3 guesses and the first 2 don't count
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12:17 am
[Link] |
i am such a dork part duex
so last night i had a really odd dream about my assistant manager and my crush from hot topic. had something to do with a party. didn't make much sense but even in my dream i avoided telling her how i feel. that was odd enough. and then reality came. i went into work ealry cuz i had no other ride. stopped by hot topic to say hi to the peeps there. and she comes bouncing up to me and ask how i am doing. i told her i just wished xmas was over. she then asked if i was a scrooge like her. wow yet another thing we have in common. then she kinda snuggled up to me and put her head on my shoulder. and ofcourse i felt like a 13 year old boy being touched for the first time by a girl. it was strange. i pretty much had to bail at that point.
i have no clue why i can't ask her out. crap i had 3 girls trying to take me home from the bar the other night. one was ugly but the other 2 were fine. plus ended up talking to some liquor sales rep for a while and gave her my number. and i can't even ask out a girl that i have a crush on.
whats gonna happen in the next not so exciting episode. i am such a dork part 3 coming to a boring LJ near you.
oh and for all the peeps that know me from pac sun. doubtful i will be there after the first of the year. i really need to find a new job and soon.
Current Mood:  tired
Current Music: jimmy eat world - kill (wow i listen to this alot)
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12:13 am
[Link] |
and the holiday's are back again
so i am not religious and i have no real care about any of the religious holidays coming up. i think christmas is freaking ricockulous. but new years is coming up. i always found something romantic about starting the new year with a loved one. don't think that much about valentines day, always thought that holiday to be a joke. so i spent about 22 years alone on new years. and 3 years ago i really found that special someone to share it with. it really is an amazingly romantic thing to bring in the new year with someone you truly love. had 2 of them with her. first year. completely fucked up out of my mind on E with her but it was great. 2nd year. we had just broken up. was still fucked up on E. but we still ended up together that night and waking up next to each other for the new year. last year. fucked up on E again. and she was no where near me. no first i should explain that everytime i had done E besides my first (which sucked) was with her. so i guess i had built up a ??? whatever its called when you associate one thing with another. like if you ate plain peanut butter you would taste jelly with it.well anyways last year sucked. i sat in my bed for 2 hours not being able to sleep. knew something was missing at the time. just couldn't figure out what. after i did finally sleep i woke up and just started crying. worst E come down i had ever had. i realized what was missing from the night before. and i pretty much cried off and on for the next 36 hours. actually broke up with the girl i was dating at the time because of it.
so now a new year is right around the corner. think i am gonna avoid the drugs this year. but even without that influencing me, i still think about her. and i miss her. and am not sure how i am gonna handle it this year. i have thouhgt about her alot over the past few days and it sucks.
blah blah blah my life sucks. cry for me blah
words mean nothing when there is noone to hold on to them like a lover
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: jimmy eat world - kill
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01:49 am
[Link] |
i wrote a po um
I found a hiding place in your arms
I found my smile on your lips
I found my place in your bed
And my rhythm in your hips
But i've locked my heart up in my past
And my emotions are ruled by pain
My only pleasure is sex <---- shitty line. needs fixing
and thats what keeps me sane
you can look in my eyes
you might catch a glimpse of me
i've locked it up so tight
a glimpse is all you could see
don't read into it too much
its really not what it seems
things still slip out some times
mostly lost hopes and dreams
i drive people away from me
afraid they will get to close
and with your soft lips
you got closer then most
that isn't who i am anymore
its just my heart searching for a mate
thats not who i am anymore
long ago i gave up the fate
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01:32 am
[Link] | a lonely boy sits in a corner, note pad in hand
i wonder what he is writing
is it about love?
is it about pain?
maybe its about bunnies.
a poem to a lost love?
I loved you so, but you had to go.
still do in my heart, why'd we have to part?
a poem to a new crush?
I saw a girl so beautiful
she smiled and said hi
i was so lost in her eyes
i forgot to reply
I know!!!
A haiku about candy
i saw a mountain
a mountain of jelly beans
i ate a mountain
whatever he writes
his soul is reflected in the paper
and as you look upon it
you may just cry
haiku courtesy of my cousin james
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12:44 am
[Link] |
its late
and once more i promise myself that i won't open up again. won't trust or care. and ofcourse that will just be until someone else can find that small little fucking crack that i left open. i need to figure out how to shut that part off too.
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12:53 am
[Link] |
random crap from my head
wow i have really bad writers block when it comes to poetry these days. anywas black friday weekend sucked horribly. and the one thing i was hoping for to brighten my day never showed. heh.
next
Current Mood: crushed
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11:42 pm
[Link] |
longing for that which i never new i wanted til the chance had passed by
so i am sitting here listening to my room mate play guitar. and he is quite good. me being the music fanatic i am i can judge that :P anyways while he plays shitty lyrics pop up in my head and i want to sing along but i know that i can't. it really sucks to discover that which you truly love at an age when you have absolutely no time to develop it. i blame my dad for this. i am alot like him and growing up it made me hate music. at the years when i should have discovered this i suppresed it. andthen i grew up with some great friends, but i was always criticized and told i wasn't good enough. so know that i am 25 i realize that damnit i am good. i can sing. i am actually prettygood at it. but not good enough to do anything with it. now if i would have learned this at 16 things could be much different. maybe i would have learned more then just metalica songs on my guitar. i wish i could have heard incubus when i was that age. they are truly the band that opened my eyes to music and made me love it. but it does nothing for me now. story time
so i took a vacation to portland, OR about months ago. my best friend fil paid for it as a b day present since he was from there and he knew that i lvoed it for the 2 years i lived out there. so it was a great trip but there was one part that tore me apart. his dad had met this girl and decided to manage her. so while we were there we went to a show of hers at a coffee shop. i listened to her play. not the greatest guitarist but still pretty good and sang beautifully. i disappeared to the bathroom on her 3rd song and just cried. i was watching someone who had figured it out and was able to do something about it. and there i was enjoying listening but really wanted to be the one doing it.
i would love to actually be able to create music. i am a mediocre (sp?) poet. and none of my poetry is lyric quality. i can apparently sing pretty well. but i am never gonna be the musician i desire to be.
i guess i will just stick with karoake. atleast i get a little satisfaction out of that.
Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: my room mates quitar
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05:29 pm
[Link] |
i am such a dork
so i decided to go and get lit last night since i had a bad day at work. it was karoake night and i wanted to have some fun. decided to sing "everything you want" by vertical horizon. now that last time i sang that song i did pretty well. this time i don't think it was so good. but someone thought it was hot. i called summer as i sang it. she liked it. it was really sweet. but i'm not suppose to be sweet. i am suppose to be an asshole. and i find myself all happy cuz i will hopefully have a chance to see her over the holiday since she willbe in town.
i am such a dork
Current Mood:  scared
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01:34 am
[Link] | so some girl i apperently gave my number to the other night has called me like 4 times over the past 2 days. i wasn't sure who she was so when she left me a message inviting me to some bar tonight i decided to oblige. well she ended up not being the girl i thought she was. i think she really wanted to get into my pants. if i see her again i am gonna tell her i am gay. put thats not the point of this story. point is, guess what i found in the asshole of virginia, manassas. and irish pub that is very much like that movie coyote ugly. as soon as i walked in i saw the bartenders up on the bar in mini plaid skirts shaking their ass's off. HOLY SHIT. AND THIS IS IN MANASSAS??? with how long i have lived somewhat near there and definetly worked there for 3 years i had never even heard of this place. next week is a pajama party. i think i am gonna attend. the place had great music. beer prices weren't horrible. and i really like the atmosphere.
so that was the highlight of my life. and is alot better then the bitching i was gonna do about my horrible freakin day at work.
but there was another good point. i got a text last night that made me feel giddy like a school girl. i am not suppose to feel like that and its scary that i do. but apparently someone is thinking about me as much as i think about her. damn. i think i like her. now if there wasn't the fact that she lives over 2 hours away. if i had a car maybe. but damn.
i ramble too much.
g'night peeps. have wonderful dreams. i know i will.
Current Mood:  giddy
Current Music: the killers - mr. brightside
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01:44 am
[Link] |
just another day
had a management meeting at work today. and i realized something. i actually kinda like lisa now. she has really mellowed out and has been kinda cool. i think i feel better about working there now.
i think thats about it
Current Mood:  amused
Current Music: whatever is playing on the game my room mate is playing
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08:50 pm
[Link] | wow!!! i am such a loser.
note to self. don't read past post
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12:45 am
[Link] |
not so picture perfect
i tried to take a pic to put on here to...??? ah cuz i wanted to. so i try. and its to big so i try to edit it. make it all these cool colors. but i can'tget the damn sizing right.
i hate computers
out
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12:36 am
[Link] |
me need sleep
its late and i have to wake up in 5 hours. so its a good time to post
so as of reading my last post i have decided yes that is me i am just to stubborn to admit it.
btw if you are into "a perfect circle" the new album EmotivE rocks out with its cock out.
had a thought and lost it. reminds me of one of my favorite poems
here i sit, broken hearted
had to shit, and only farted
i am so funny in that 10 year old sort of way.
felt poetic. tried. not feeling so poetic anymore.
besides my poetry is apparently emo. muahaha i was emo before emo was emo.
thinkin not working so well right now.
Current Mood: drained
Current Music: A Perfect Circle - whats goin on
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01:30 am
[Link] |
back from vacation
well i am back from vacation and haven't updated in while.
so the whole vacation was a blast. met cool ppl everywhere i went. and it was great except for the fact of lack of sleep. but gonna rant about the usual.
so in the typical pimp that i am. in 2 out of 4 states i met and atleast made out with 2 girls. but the prob is i kinda actually like one of them. she was really cool. and i had met her before and was REALLY actracted to her but ithought that was it. but once i got a chance to hang out with her it was different then had expected.
now its not like i want this. i am too fucked up to care. atleast i thought i was.
and now for the last few nights i have barely slept cuz i keep thinking about her.
and i am not the kind of guy to do that.
plah. not gonna rant about it anymore cuz its all the bullshit i really don't need in my life
Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: a perfect circle - imagine
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02:36 am
[Link] | ah a new day and much to long since i posted
and yet again i am lost
not that anyone knows me for who i truly am but anyone tha does will knowthat i am an alcholic. and recently i have cut back on my drinking. its odd how much it can effect your life. i went from not really caring about pleasures of an outside source to drinking atleast 4 beers a night. for the first time in about 2 years i can actually count more nights in a week that i am sober then drunk. and it is tearing my bodyh apart. i barely sleep anymore. and i wake up with some pretty horrible hangovers when ihave been completely sober. and the worst is when i do decide to drink. like tonight. i have had quite a bit. and i am sitting here with a glass of water and some aspririn. thinking i need atleast 23 more glasses of water. becuz when i do drink now. no matter how little it is. even as few as 3beers. i wake up with the worst head ache you coulde possibly imagine. i truly know what a migraine is. not becuz i suffer from them but becuz i cause them on myself.
just rambling..
gonna stop now
Current Mood: crappy
Current Music: jimmy eat world. pain
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11:37 pm
[Link] |
a new day, a new post
sometimes i realize just how hard i am trying to be who i am to make me happy, just by seeing what i don't have.
so i am a self proclaimed pimp. i have been satisfied by women an more ways then i ever thought possible. but it seems to be that one that is just out of your grasp.
to start it off. i work in a teen retailer. i get hour long lunches which can get quite boring, so i hang out at the direct competitors. well there is this girl i met working there many many months ago. and pretty much from the start i have had a crush on her. she is smart. hot as hell. and so far pretty damn cool to talk to. even have the same favorite band. so i have been crushing on her for a while. but i can't bring myself to talk to her about things like that.
i don't want to care. i already have one girlfriend thats hard enough to deal with. had to ditch the 2nd one cuz she was annoying the hell out of me all the time. and i was able to do all that becuse i don't care and i don't want to.
but i find myself caring now. i care about the fact that she came back to her store while i was sitting outside waiting for my ride, and didn't even say hi to me. ofcourse i buried my face in the book i was reading and blasted my disc man. i glanced up at her once. i guess she is going to a club tonight. but my jaw hit the floor. she was dressed in the most provacative outfit i have ever seen, not on tv. she looked absolutely beautiful. and she didn't even acknowledge my presence.
i guess it could have something to do with the fact that i didn't acknowledge hers either. but it sucks.
it sucks cuz for her i care. she is a godess in my eyes. and i can't even bring myself to tell her how beautiful she is. i am just a scared little boy trapped in the mind of a vengeful asshole.
life sucks, and then you care, and you realize it really din't suck that much when you didn't
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